2016 Presidential Candidate Vermin Supreme Seeks Votes in Missoula, Supports Military Strike on Narnia
During the 2016 elections, if you find yourself unimpressed with names like Rubio, Clinton, Biden or Paul, one man is hoping you write Vermin Supreme on the ballot.
Vermin Supreme’s name is itself a bit of a protest against the politicians (read vermin) that infect the nation’s airwaves each election year, campaigning on promises that rarely get realized.
Vermin has been wandering across the U.S. since 1987 when he first attempted to be mayor of Baltimore. He is often found in large crowds preaching a platform of nonsense and clownish anarchy that is sure to resonate with disaffected voters who find modern politics as silly as a man wearing a boot on his head.
I caught up with Vermin in Missoula, Montana at our local farmer’s market. I had seen the man before on random YouTube videos (see above), but when I saw him in real life I knew I had to stop and ask for a stump speech. When I asked him for his platform he gave me a list of priorities that ran something like this:
1). Mandatory tooth brushing for all.
2). Zombie preparedness (included was a plan to use gerbil wheel technology to create zombie-propelled green energy).
3). Investment in time travel with the particular goal of sending Vermin Supreme back in time to choke baby Hitler. It is important to note that Vermin vowed to do this with his “bare hands.”
4). Finally, with a wink and a not to my kids, Vermin proposed free ponies for all.
I didn’t have a lot of time to talk about particular political issues with Vermin, but I did ask him what he thought we should do with the Syrian chemical weapons dilemma. Like a true politician, Vermin answered a question I didn’t ask and said, “we need to invade Narnia. All of those freaky talking lions and witches… I’ve heard they used magic on their own people. It’s horrible. It must be stopped.”