15 Signs You and Your Neighbor Are the Modern Day Hatfields and McCoys
The History Channel mini-series ‘Hatfields & McCoys’ brings back two of the darkest and bloodiest families in American history, which is pretty bad considering that list also includes the Trumps and anyone who went hunting with Dick Cheney.
Still, there must be another reincarnation of these two feuding families someone out there in suburbia. We’ve all harbored grudges against our neighbor at one point or another. Here’s how to tell if you are
1. During breakfast, Dad asks if you can pass him the milk and Mom asks if you can pass her the sawed-off shotgun.
2. Getting the kids ready for school consists for putting on their coat, snow pants and Kevlar.
3. The tree in your yard blocking your neighbor’s view gets used as a sniper outpost.
4. Your baby sister’s first words were “Bring it on, b#*$&.”
5. You learned how to field dress a gunshot wound and strip and clean a Heckler & Koch VP70 before you learned how to read.
6. Your parents have ordered you to shoot the “walking garbage bags” next door on sight and you don’t live next to the Kardashians.
7. Instead of a teddy bear or a stuffed animal, you grew up sleeping with a shotgun that you named “Kablammey.”
8. Because of your genes, your doctor said you’ll most likely die from lead poisoning.
9. Your insurance company refused to cover your family’s house because of the high price of bulletproof glass.
10. Your family was the only one in the country’s history to have their membership card revoked by the NRA.
11. There’s an express lane for you and your family at the nearest emergency room of “10 bodies or less.”
12. You ask to borrow your neighbor’s hacksaw in order to perform some “creative surgery” on their cat.
13. You can’t throw a neighborhood block party without it degenerating into a bare knuckle boxing match.
14. Neglecting to invite the family next door to your kid’s birthday party ends in a clown-related bloodbath.
15. The neighborhood watch is constantly outside of your house since you’re the only action in town.