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Hilarious Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bear Customer Reviews Will Not Make You a Better Person

Haribo candy
Photo courtesy of amazon.com

I don’t normally step out of the newsroom and write stories for comic relief, but some comments on this Amazon.com listing for Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag left me in stitches. WARNING! if you are sensitive to off-color humor (poo-jokes) do not continue reading.

First off, let me say that I am an absolute fan of Haribo, especially the cola bottles and frog gummies, so I was a bit taken aback when reading a customer review by C. Torok described Haribo gummy bears as “HELLBEARS.”

That’s when I realized that the negative reviews weren’t about the candy, but the after effects of a delicious sugar-free candy. As someone who has had to deal with denouement of sugar substitute candy at my diabetic in-law’s home, all I could do was sympathize.

“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw,” writes C. Torok in what might be the funniest Amazon review ever (seriously, go read it for yourself).

After C. Torok’s post though, things really get going (haha). At least C. Torok had the decent humanity to regret giving these candies to friends and family. Other malcontents decided to take things one step further. Like sending gifts to congressional representatives:

Congress by Deliriouslyhappytaxpayer
Screenshot of amazon.com

or to the Westboro Baptist Church:

Photo courtesy of amazon.com

Before I knew it, my humanity was debased as well with the thoughts of all of the lovely people in my life that might enjoy a giant bag of delicious candy.

Enjoy them while you can Kim Jong-un! I’m certain bombs will be dropped, but here’s hoping I didn’t start another world war.

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